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Voice Mail (Auto Attendants)

People are in love with the sound of their own voices. Nowhere is that more evident than voice mail systems, or as the fatuous telecommunications industry has dubbed the newest generation: “auto attendants.” Of course, an auto attendant is a euphemism for “we’re too cheap to hire a human being to answer your call, so we invested in this circuitous, mind-numbing virtual rat maze intentionally designed to piss you off” system.

So what’s the fundamental failure? That’s simple. You can narrow it down to several factors:

  1. No human being. When I call in and reach an auto attendant system, the first thing I try to do is bypass the system altogether and get hold of a human being. From experience, I know that not only will the auto attendant system failure me in my quest, but it will take an extraordinarily long time to achieve failure.
  2. Diarrhea of the mouth. Invariably, the script for the auto attendant is laden with useless, self-absorbed blather. Essentially, it is nothing more than the gluttonous compounding of useless information forced down my throat like a 300-pound, bib overall-wearing tank scarfing down endless mounds of fried chicken, whole sticks of butter and cinnamon rolls at Hometown Buffet.
  3. Cumbersome and circuitous structure.
    So what’s the cure? That’s easy. Scrap it and hire a receptionist. Problem solved. Period.