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Backtalk from the Peanut Gallery


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Men and women are disparate, discordant creatures who are, for all practical purposes, wholly incompatible on all levels. To entertain the fictional notion that somehow there is middle ground on which they can exist in blissful harmony is more than just nonsense, it’s delusional. Moreover, it’s indicative that you have bought into the “hold hands and sing Kumbaya” mantra that’s being bandied about by “men” who haven’t seen their balls since their wives confiscated them and locked them away in their purses years prior. Note: heretofore, these individuals will be referred to as “geldings.” Taking on many forms, geldings are lost to the male of the species and are, in fact, completely without hope. Geldings will be vigorously covered in a later chapter. For a relationship the bottom-line is don’t be a gelding.

Like all matter, women seek entropy. What does that mean? Entropy is matter’s tendency toward chaos and disorder. As is the nature of matter, women also seek chaos. It’s drama and drama is good. Real-world example: Your wife gets dressed to go out. She wears jeans. Not unexpectedly, you are asked the inescapable question. All straight males have heard it. Don’t pretend that you haven’t. Those who are currently betrothed, in a relationship, or some other variant already know the question. “Does my butt look big in these?” asks the wife/fiancé/girlfriend/otherwise. This truly is a moronic question designed only to incite conflict, disorder, and general strife within the relationship. As she is 220lbs and built like a linebacker, there is only one answer to the question: “Of course it looks big—it would be big on a polar bear. Moreover, it would look big in that or any other article of clothing you would choose to wear.” So, you are faced with a decision: tell the truth and risk a tirade that would last weeks or even months, or compromise your principles and integrity and simply lie. Though choosing option number two is the most expedient and most popular approach, it is, in fact, the wrong choice. The female is fully aware that her butt is tremendous. How could she not be? After all, it accompanies her everywhere. Having both hips simultaneously scrape the door jam when passing through serves as a constant reminder for her as to the largess of her butt. By forcing her significant other to lie to her by posing such a ridiculous question, she is engaging in what is known in the psychological community as classical conditioning. She is conditioning her male mate to intentionally compromise his integrity solely to please her. Like a POW, the male is expected to shelve his standards of behavior and integrity so she, the control-obsessed freak, can claim additional power over her captive. Where are the American-hating, woolen-skull-cap-in-the-middle-of-summer wearing libs protesting this form of torture? As an Angry Man, you must resist the temptation to take the easy out. Instead, you must simply tell it like it is. Any complaints coming from your mate should be met with stoic assurances that if she wasn’t prepared for the truth then she should never have asked. This also is a good time to remind her of the treadmill that she fruitlessly purchased years earlier, but that has since been relegated to serve as an expensive clothes hanger. Remind her that it is parked in the spare bedroom just waiting for her to jump on, and that with a little effort, the truth would be a more palatable option than the fiction she now seeks. This is a common sense solution to a problem that is all hers. Remember, her staunch indignation when faced with the truth is testament of her smallness. You would be well served to point this out as well.

Here’s another classic example of a woman’s inclination toward entropy. It’s a weekend afternoon and you’re tired. What exactly is wrong with sleeping on the couch? How does that innocuous inaction become an affront—a personal assault, if you will—to the wife? What devastating ill does that bring down on her? How does that negatively affect her? No words are exchanged; no “mean” looks are introduced. Nothing. It’s just you in a moment of complete harmony with nature falling asleep on the couch. Yet by doing so you are branded an uncaring heretic who is apathetic to her needs, her concerns, and her desires. Yes, by drifting off into peaceful abandon, you have effectively closed your eyes to those around you. You just don’t care. Simply stated, there is no greater offense than to selfishly fall asleep midday. You are, in fact, evil. You are now Satan who has descended upon the earth with black-hearted fury, hatred, and vengeance; bent on reaping pain and destruction upon all of humanity (or at least your spouse). Newlywed male: don’t believe it? Try it sometime. You won’t saw through that first log before she’s gnawing on your leg like a Chihuahua with a Milk-Bone viciously protecting it from perceived would be competitors. Here’s a clue to any woman who may actually be reading this. Your perception of apathy is unfounded and incorrect. Period. End of story. It is, however, destined to become true. Indeed, your perceived apathy is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Years of hammering the male of the species with unfounded, nonsensical accusations will most definitely breed apathy and, in time, actual contempt within your mate. Now that you have been duly warned, ignore the wisdom I offer as though it were provided by your mate himself, and, like a moth to flame, meander into the great divide.

Universally, women will work tirelessly to “change” their mate to better suit their needs or to meet their ideal of the perfect companion. Rather than selectively date suitors and marry an individual who meets a core set of “must-have” criteria, women will routinely date men who meet none of their selection criteria. Contrarily, oftentimes the greater the compatibility gap, the greater the attraction for a female. Armed with this information, what truth and subsequent evasive action does it reveal to the American male? Simple. When dating, the more vigorous the female’s pursuit, the more likely that she is completely ill suited for you. Advice: run away. Run far away. Change your name if necessary. Conversely, the less interested the female is in the male, the stronger the likely compatibility. Males faced with the prospect of an ideal match must be prepared to accept the idea that pursuit is futile. In this situation, it is likely that the female in the relationship already has her sights set on a completely inappropriate companion. Accept it and move on. This maddening inverse compatibility principle neatly summarizes the core of the female paradox.

Example. You know a woman. You share your innermost intimate thoughts and feelings with one another. You care for one another. Beyond all others, each of you desire the other and yearn to be together. You are, in fact, absolutely perfect for one another. That is your first sign that this will not pan out. Here’s the outcome you can expect. Count on it. She has her sights set on another or already is with that individual. This other guy is completely apathetic towards her. He treats her with the same intentional disregard one normally does when passing a homeless person begging for cash. Yet this person—this square peg in a round hole, if you will—has been targeted and will be relentlessly pursued until her life has become an emotional firestorm of apathy and self-loathing. That’s your fate. Accept it and move on.

If the aim of this was solely to criticize, then a woman most certainly would have written it. Since I am not a woman, however, I packed this enlightening exposé with useful tools in addition to critical analysis. There are several key constructs that must be maintained at all times in order to navigate the turbulent—and sometimes treacherous—seas of male/female relationships. Above all else, you must resist change. Change is reserved for weak, pliable people who lack the steadfast conviction required to lead a purposeful life. By change, of course, I refer to the change that is desired by another individual—your mate. Only change conceived and adopted on your own volition is acceptable to consider, and even that is suspect.

As mentioned previously, women almost universally wish to change their spouses. Sweeping generalization? You bet. In case you haven’t already figured it out, that’s what this exposé is all about. But I digress. Sweeping generalization, yes, but it is one made with foundation. On the surface, the changes a woman seeks are to make her mate better fit her own preconceived ideal of the perfect spouse. That’s, at least, how she justifies her actions to herself—her maniacal obsession with browbeating her husband into spousal conformance. It begs the question, however, that with all the potential mate candidates out there, why pick one who lacks the fundamental characteristics required for her happiness? The real truth, therefore, is something far more sinister. The bottom line is that women seek change simply to exercise control over their mates. That’s right, it’s simply a matter of control and domination. Control, you should note, is the predominant factor sought by women in relationships. For women, it is the Holy Grail of the relationship game.