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Mega Movers

Alright, nothing brings out my ire more than those ridiculous electric carts that were introduced to the consumer marketplace, particularly at Wal-Mart. Yeah, yeah, they’re supposed to be used by little old ladies with hip problems or people with broken legs, etc. But au contraire, for I had never seen such people taking advantage of these devices to help them cope with their handicap. Oh no. But how could they? After all, these insidious machines are consistently being monopolized by the restraint-challenged flab masters, replete with their characteristic, ever present french-fried surplus of swollen adipose and sheer heft.

And how about those little electric carts that handily allow these oversized, Twinkie-stuffing immobile mountains to extend their coach potato ways to the supermarket? You’ve got to hand it to the remarkable engineers who designed these mega movers, giving them the power and structural integrity to withstand and move hundreds upon hundreds upon hundreds of pounds of skin-retained Jell-O.

Since they are no longer accessible to those little old ladies with hip problems and are now the mobile domain of the ample, perhaps the manufacturers should outfit them accordingly. Obviously, these less-than-svelte individuals are out for quantity, so a trailer should probably be supplied. And since these folks have an aversion to walking or performing any manual task, it would be a good idea to outfit the mega mover with a reaching stick or mega lift: a remote operated front-end loader with bucket that’s fully articulated and able to dump large volumes of boxes, cans, baked goods, etc. into the trailer. What a tremendous win for sloth that would be.

I’d seen specs on these machines that boast a cargo capacity of 250lbs and a rider capacity of 500lbs and they were actually proud of this! I hate to break it to them, but there’s no way that will fly in the marketplace. I’ve seen the folks who sluggishly traverse the middle of the aisles with these machines and many of them are well above that 500lb rider limit. There’s simply no way their mini mover can compete with the big boys. Back to the drawing boards, engineers.

Let’s talk about sharing our “shopping experience” with these heft monsters. We’ve all been there, hopelessly attempting to deftly navigate our carts down an aisle and around one of these three-toed, indolent slouches. It’s not bad enough that their elephantine girth rolls in accordion-like folds over the sides of the seat and well into the aisle, but they insist on maneuvering the mega mover down the middle of the aisle making safe passage a veritable impossibility. Really? So, now you wish for all those around you to be encumbered by the results of your uncontrolled gorging, as well as yourself? Do you really foment such hatred and spite for the self-controlled that you feel you have to heave your bulging corpulence into their paths at every turn?

Riding these mega movers only perpetuates the problem. It’s a vicious circle of sloth promoting massive weight gain. Get off your bounteous asses and give up the cart to the old lady with an actual unpreventable physical ailment. She was the original intended user, not the gluttonous laggard.

I say that these machines were originally designed to make the lives of the little old ladies coping with bad hips easier, but the truth of the matter is that these same folks would have nothing to do with them even if Jabba the Hutt wasn’t occupying them. They refuse to have their independence curtailed and to be reduced to having to accept defeat. Their mental fortitude eclipses the attitudes of the self-entitled slugs who are perfectly content to witness their already misshapen carcasses degrade to the point where their tits dangle inhumanly past their knees and to watch the folds around their mid-sections multiply exponentially. These shrill shills of entitlement and gluttonous self-indulgence are more than just mere metaphors as to what’s wrong with America today; they are what’s wrong with America. More than just wastes of space, these aberrations of human form spill out into the space of others and, in fact, offer nothing more than a visual assault on the senses of the right thinking.